i am sleeping at a man's house that is dying. he used to be a patient of mine. he is days away from death and the family had requested me to come be an experienced body, a stable, gentle body that could help make trips to the bathroom, change sheets, and just generally be there. so i am here. and humbled. i watch quietly from a chair in his bedroom the family trickle in, hug, kiss, whisper, sit, cry, reminisce. i keep asking if i should leave. "do you want a moment alone?" and no one wants me to leave. "no, please stay. in case he needs anything, you are here." i am humbled again as i watch intimate encounters with this gentle man who is dying. i am a fly on the wall, but the invited, wanted fly. how is this happening? when there is no family or friends, i take up the visiting chair, slip my hand into his and just occupy this space with him.
"when did you get here?"
"seven."
"how long will you stay?"
"all night."
"how many nights?"
"however many you need."
he closes his eyes and nods. i am not certain i am who he thinks i am, but in this moment i feel as if i am exactly what he needs, and that, even if it is not at all true, feels amazing.
i am so humbled to be here at this moment, in this place, with these people. how did i get here?
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incredible steph.. you know, I'm not sure what to call you yet, I keep trying on new names steph, whitlark, anyway hope you don't mind, I'm sure we'll settle on one eventually.
ReplyDeletewhat an incredible feeling to be exactly what somebody needs in a moment even if they'll never know your name.
I would love to get dinner when you come through W-S... just let me know the date. looking forward to it!